I’ve been a bit quiet lately and for that I apologise. I’ve been on such an exciting journey that I need to share with you.
In the last few months of 2017 I lost about 15kg.
People were commenting on my appearance in a positive light for what felt like the first time ever. I was excited that I would look beautiful in my wedding dress, could wear shorts and get a spray tan. I was so invested in getting smaller, and it wasn’t happening quick enough. I lost 10kg in one month and then the progress slowed down. I started cutting my calories down more and more, eating around 600 – 800 a day. I was punishing myself for eating too much and although I was externally happy with my appearances I was so depressed because of the numbers constantly running through my head. I could tell the calories of most things without looking. I had willpower of steel.
Christmas came and I gained 5kg. Five kilograms in one week! I was shattered. I ate and drank and ate some more and I had undone what I worked so hard for. My wedding is around the corner and I am fat. That’s all I am is fat. All I could think was I now have 39kg to my goal weight and three months to do it in. Things are going to get hard.
Life got in the way, and my caloric intake didn’t take priority for a few weeks.
I continued eating and drinking what I wanted and celebrating with friends. My choices were balanced – wine and cheese for dinner one night, chicken and salad the next. I stopped weighing myself twice a day because it wasn’t important. I weighed myself after two weeks, and I had lost my Christmas kilograms! I couldn’t believe it.
A lot has changed for me in the last month.
My relationship with food is still very negative – it is still the enemy. My relationship with my body has work to do, but the progress is astounding. I’ve realised that my body is actually okay in any shell. I am not fat, I have fat. I am Alanna. I am many things; a friend, a student, a daughter. I am funny and I am kind. I am hard working and I am a dreamer. But I am not fat. I have fat. One day I might not have as much fat, but that’s not important right now.
I’ve realised many things. There are so many social constructs that we are programmed to believe to that we never question. I’m going to share the most eye opening with you.
- You can’t wear a tight dress if you have belly pudge. Why not? Is it offensive to look at? Who told you it was offensive? I have spent too long crying over not being able to wear my wedding dress because you can see my stomach. Not because it didn’t fit, or it was ripped, or because my wedding was cancelled. I cried because you can see my stomach. Of course you can see it, it’s because I have one. It’s like not wearing glasses because you can see my eyes.
- Fat people cant exercise. If your bum wobbles when you run, you better know damn well not to run. This takes me back to playing netball in primary school, and hearing girls sing “I feel the earth move under my feet” when a larger girl would come on court. I was probably the larger girl 9 times out of 10. Who taught them that? Who taught them that we slam people down for moving their bodies, playing in a team and having fun. Who taught us that we laugh and take photos of fat people in the gym. Why aren’t we building each other up?
- You won’t be beautiful until you reach your goal. I have spent so long believing there is not a single desirable thing about me, and there won’t be until I click over from being one weight to another. That is such a lie. I have great hair (when it’s washed and brushed…. sooooo lets scrap that one actually). My eyes are the most amazing shade of blue. My finger nails always look nice even when they’re not painted. Not to mention my body is actually rockin’.
- You can’t get a spray tan or a massage. This is one of my favourites. I always thought you couldn’t get a spray tan or a massage if you were fat, because who wants to have to hold your belly up to spray under there, or massage your roley poley back boobs. News flash – you’re paying them to do their job, and they’re probably not even paying attention anyway. I can tell you I’ve had both of these things done and no one laughed at me.
- You have to be hot to be valued as a person. This one kills me. I constantly have crazy thoughts drift into my absent mind, like I will never be considered for that job because I don’t wear enough makeup, or that person doesn’t want to talk to me because my ass isn’t perky enough, or no one will laugh at my hilarious jokes because my lips are too thin. I am constantly telling myself that no matter how qualified or kind or loving I am, that it doesn’t matter because I’m not hot. I’m not worthy of peoples time or affection because I’m not attractive. A favourite quote of mine right now reads as follows; “you shouldn’t have to want to fuck someone to treat them like a human”. Sit on that one for a while kids.
You shouldn’t have to want to fuck someone to treat them like a human.
So what am I doing now?
Every single day I think about the wonderful things my body can do. Every morning I can swing my legs out of bed and stand up; that’s not something that is promised. I fill my body with lots of yummy things that makes it happy. Fruit and vegetables and other whole foods. But when I want chocolate custard and sausages you can bet your bottom dollar that’s what I have. I buy gorgeous bras and underwear and I check myself out in the mirror and tell myself “Damn girl, you’re smoking. Mia is a lucky woman!” I act like a beautiful woman, and you know what, that makes me a beautiful woman! I follow so many amazing body positive warriors on Instagram and I fill my feed and my life with love. Every single day I cherish my thighs and my bum and my belly pudge and my boobs and I shake my bingo wings because that makes me happy!